1 00:00:03,850 --> 00:00:04,850 Thank you. 2 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,480 I can be so good for you. 3 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,400 Love you like you want me to. 4 00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:02,840 I can be so good for you. 5 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,900 Love you like you want me to. 6 00:01:43,910 --> 00:01:44,910 Sunshine. 7 00:01:45,290 --> 00:01:46,290 Yeah. 8 00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:49,730 Driving lightened? 9 00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:51,870 Yeah. 10 00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:53,589 Come on, son. 11 00:01:53,590 --> 00:01:54,850 Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on. 12 00:01:57,210 --> 00:01:58,870 There you go. 13 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:00,950 Careful registration number? 14 00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:03,950 Oh, sorry, mate, it's not my motor. 15 00:02:04,630 --> 00:02:07,890 It's a friend's, so I'm just waiting to drive him home. You can't take his cell 16 00:02:07,890 --> 00:02:08,889 phone? 17 00:02:09,410 --> 00:02:11,110 No, he's very law -abiding. 18 00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:12,430 Never drinks and drives. 19 00:02:13,070 --> 00:02:14,350 Eat drinks? I dried. 20 00:02:20,930 --> 00:02:21,930 Celebration, is it? 21 00:02:22,450 --> 00:02:23,450 Something like that. 22 00:02:24,010 --> 00:02:25,270 Old soldiers reunion. 23 00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:28,790 Go back to sleep, mate. 24 00:02:29,110 --> 00:02:30,530 Good night. 25 00:02:30,790 --> 00:02:31,790 Good morning. 26 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:44,530 Please, 27 00:02:45,350 --> 00:02:48,210 I promise you, I'll be home by 6. We are singing. 28 00:02:48,610 --> 00:02:50,350 Ready for a big finish, okay? 29 00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:54,470 Melt in your heart of stone. 30 00:02:54,810 --> 00:02:57,350 Itchy goo, itchy goo, itchy goo. 31 00:02:57,550 --> 00:03:00,450 For I don't like to get you. 32 00:03:00,790 --> 00:03:03,670 From that slow boat to China. 33 00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:10,690 All to myself. I really mean it. All to myself. 34 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:12,150 I don't mean maybe. 35 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:15,520 To myself! 36 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:17,780 Allora! 37 00:03:20,420 --> 00:03:22,020 Magic, Yorkie, magic! 38 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:24,720 Hey, you all right? 39 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:27,960 A nightcap? 40 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:30,620 Well, I haven't seen him for donkey's years. 41 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,000 So see him tomorrow? 42 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:34,240 Nah, his old woman's coming down tomorrow. 43 00:03:35,180 --> 00:03:36,280 Wait, stop the car! 44 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:41,340 Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think his old machine for Jiminy Arna's about to 45 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:42,340 make a return visit. 46 00:03:43,410 --> 00:03:45,250 It's full of the social graces, isn't it? 47 00:03:51,470 --> 00:03:53,430 My best mate in the army, Terry. 48 00:03:53,890 --> 00:03:59,730 I would go to hell and back again on my hands and knees for you. You'll get down 49 00:03:59,730 --> 00:04:02,810 on your hands and knees if he honks his aubergine wasp name all over my car seat 50 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,750 floor. Have no fear. 51 00:04:05,430 --> 00:04:06,710 Have no fear. 52 00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:10,910 That is something that a bloke like you don't know nothing about, you see. 53 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,560 What a squaddie will do for his oppo. 54 00:04:14,780 --> 00:04:20,660 Comradeship. I tell you, Terry, blokes like you do not know what you owe to 55 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,220 blokes like Yorkie and to blokes like me. 56 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,640 Yeah, well, tell me tomorrow. 57 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:29,800 Just get him cleaned up and get him out. I'm knackered. Yeah, we was knackered, 58 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:34,380 wasn't we? We was knackered, but we stuck it out when you were still in 59 00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:40,660 And I am talking in terms of blood, sweat, tears and human... 60 00:04:41,930 --> 00:04:43,310 You weren't called up till 1949. 61 00:04:43,710 --> 00:04:46,050 Well, I thought we was out there, weren't we? Oh, yeah. 62 00:04:46,630 --> 00:04:47,630 Emergency. 63 00:04:48,010 --> 00:04:50,130 Doing our cobblers for king and country. 64 00:04:50,350 --> 00:04:52,050 Far East land forces. 65 00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:54,170 Jungle Act. Jungle Boots. 66 00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:55,470 Jungle Greens. 67 00:04:56,210 --> 00:04:57,710 Three -0 Lee Enfield. 68 00:04:58,170 --> 00:05:01,070 Rifles. Tommy Bandits. When we was giving it all that. 69 00:05:01,350 --> 00:05:05,650 Sergeant Sedgwick and Corporal Daly. Yeah, that's all very well. But you 70 00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:06,950 fired a shot in anger, did you? 71 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,540 I mean, you told me you thought we spent most of the time propping up the bar in 72 00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:14,540 the Union Jack Club or whooping it up Chinese Ratley. Yeah, but we were there, 73 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:15,699 weren't we? 74 00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:22,080 Look, I tell you, it is because of blokes like Yogi and blokes like me that 75 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:28,780 blokes like you are living at this moment in time in a democratically 76 00:05:28,780 --> 00:05:29,780 society. 77 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,040 Civilised? Still feeling manky, Yogi. 78 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,960 I feel like a rabid rat, a problem with digestive tract and diet. 79 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,400 Oh, good, good, good. 80 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,760 Good night, Kip, and a furry brand that you feel on top of the world. 81 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,140 I'll get Terry to run you back to your hotel. 82 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,340 Come on Colonel, back to barrack. 83 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,640 There you go. 84 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:21,560 How are they, aren't they? 85 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,640 Yeah. 86 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:29,460 That's all I need, innit? 87 00:06:44,110 --> 00:06:45,210 Here you go. Hey, hang on. 88 00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:46,430 Special delivery. 89 00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:50,710 He's got puke all over him. Don't tell me. I've just driven him all the way 90 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,870 round the South Circular. Try the Salvation Army. 91 00:06:53,470 --> 00:06:54,510 Don't petty me, pal. 92 00:06:54,950 --> 00:06:55,909 He's booked in. 93 00:06:55,910 --> 00:06:58,490 He's a resident. He should be in before this, then. 94 00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:01,070 This isn't Liberty Bloody Hall, you know. 95 00:07:01,510 --> 00:07:02,590 It's a registered hotel. 96 00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:05,330 This can't come and go on you, please. 97 00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:08,070 No -one's booked in. All right, all right, all right. 98 00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:10,210 Shut him in. 99 00:07:10,850 --> 00:07:11,749 Come on. 100 00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:12,750 I'm all right, Juffer. 101 00:07:12,870 --> 00:07:13,870 I'm all right. 102 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,900 And you're a great advert for the British Tourist Board. And he's a great 103 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:22,900 for the British Tourist. 104 00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:01,500 Hello? Hello? 105 00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:04,300 Gordon Bennett, you're not still in Kip, are you, Terry? 106 00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:08,220 Do you know how long it took me to take Rotherham's Roddy Llewellyn round 107 00:08:08,220 --> 00:08:10,020 London? Do you know what time I got to bed? 108 00:08:10,260 --> 00:08:12,160 Not much later than me, I shouldn't think. 109 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:18,460 I was up with a lark, bright -eyed and bushy -tailed. 110 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:21,760 Thank you, dear. 111 00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:25,180 Eh? No, no, not you, Terry. Listen, look, the reason I'm belling you... 112 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:26,880 I want to ask you a favour. 113 00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:30,140 Show him the site? 114 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,980 Just for half an hour. 115 00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:35,500 Houses of Parliament, Soho sex shops, Buckingham Palace, all that. 116 00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:37,559 Look, take him round the clock on the horse guards. 117 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,100 No, I'll tell you what, Arthur, I've got a better idea. 118 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:44,059 Why don't we leave him in that grotty doss house you call a hotel and send the 119 00:08:44,059 --> 00:08:45,200 horse guards round the clock in? 120 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,820 No, come on, it's Saturday, it's not on, is it? 121 00:08:48,670 --> 00:08:52,350 Look, Terry, you know me. Now, you know I wouldn't worry you if I wasn't being 122 00:08:52,350 --> 00:08:55,790 grabbed by the Short and Curlies. Look, I stroll round to the office to do half 123 00:08:55,790 --> 00:08:57,530 an hour's slaving on the accounts and what happens. 124 00:08:57,830 --> 00:09:00,370 Five minutes ago, the VAT man walks in. 125 00:09:01,490 --> 00:09:03,370 I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Samuelson. 126 00:09:06,410 --> 00:09:08,530 I'm just having a word with my second -in -command. 127 00:09:09,430 --> 00:09:10,710 I'm lumbered, aren't I, Terry? 128 00:09:11,190 --> 00:09:13,630 Look, I'll meet you both at the Winchester at one. 129 00:09:14,450 --> 00:09:15,750 It's a favour, Terry. 130 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,720 I mean, Yorkie would do the same for you if you ever fancied a swift weekend in 131 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,120 Rotherham. Swift weekend in Rotherham? 132 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:40,740 I'll ring his room for you. I don't mind ringing his room. But it's no use 133 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:43,100 ringing his room, is it, if he's not in it? 134 00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:47,070 And he can't be in it if his key's hanging on the hook, number nine. 135 00:09:47,590 --> 00:09:50,550 And if he hasn't got his key, he can't get in. 136 00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:53,650 Maybe he's somewhere else in the hotel. 137 00:09:54,030 --> 00:09:56,090 Maybe he's in the dining room having breakfast. 138 00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:58,410 Breakfast finishes at 9 .15. 139 00:09:58,730 --> 00:09:59,730 It's half past. 140 00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:01,450 Carlos was on breakfast. 141 00:10:02,410 --> 00:10:05,710 What time did number nine come down for breakfast, Carlos? 142 00:10:06,050 --> 00:10:08,350 The man in number nine didn't come down for breakfast. 143 00:10:09,350 --> 00:10:10,350 Might be in the lounge. 144 00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:11,970 We haven't got a lounge. 145 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,860 Apart from where you're standing. 146 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,620 He might be having a bath. I suppose you have got bathrooms. 147 00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:21,540 They're number nine, not in hotel. 148 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,780 He's probably gone out for a pipe or a wait. 149 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,620 He's been not in the hotel all night. 150 00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:28,440 I don't want to argue with you, pal. I argue with you. 151 00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:29,880 I argue with him. 152 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,680 Yesterday, I argued with this man. At six o 'clock, he wants afternoon tea. 153 00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:37,260 I tell him, it's too late for afternoon tea. 154 00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:40,180 He shout, he swear, like a big gorilla. 155 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,640 Not like man. 156 00:10:41,870 --> 00:10:45,990 Yeah, that sounds like him, yeah. This morning I said, I will not argue with 157 00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:46,990 this man again. 158 00:10:47,150 --> 00:10:52,490 I go up and say, come down now, you big bugger, or you'll be late for breakfast. 159 00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:58,290 I knock on his door, I go in his room, and his bed is not used. 160 00:10:58,610 --> 00:11:01,530 We slept somewhere in the gap last night. I dropped him home at 3 .30 this 161 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:03,630 morning. No, not here, no, no. 162 00:11:04,070 --> 00:11:06,030 Maybe you drink too much. 163 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:08,150 Maybe you take him to the wrong hotel. 164 00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:09,390 It was here, sunshine. 165 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,420 I stood on the doorstep for God knows how long being slagged off by your night 166 00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:14,460 porter. No. No. 167 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:15,760 Yes. No. 168 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:16,960 Yes. No. 169 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:18,880 Trev, go on a sec. 170 00:11:20,260 --> 00:11:21,260 Remember him? 171 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,000 Never set eyes on the guy before. 172 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:26,440 Who is he? 173 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:31,580 Who's he? You just stood there and told us you were chatting to him last night. 174 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,340 Trev's our night porter. 175 00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:37,220 No, no, no, no. You weren't on last night when I turned up. 176 00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:38,640 Never left the building. 177 00:11:39,790 --> 00:11:40,970 Who was the other geezer, then? 178 00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:43,410 No other geezer here but me last night. 179 00:11:43,810 --> 00:11:45,890 Came on at ten o 'clock. Right, Carol? 180 00:11:46,130 --> 00:11:49,550 Right. Came off at nine o 'clock this morning when Carol came on. 181 00:11:50,050 --> 00:11:51,590 Right again? Right, Trev. 182 00:11:51,850 --> 00:11:53,050 Are you calling me a liar? 183 00:11:54,110 --> 00:11:55,110 No, no. 184 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:10,730 Yorkie disappears. 185 00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:13,330 Two -night porter. Are you sure it was a different night porter? 186 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:14,970 I'm not colourblind, am I? 187 00:12:15,690 --> 00:12:17,270 This morning's one was West Indian. 188 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,510 You know, it's got to be a logical explanation. 189 00:12:20,750 --> 00:12:22,710 Look, do you have to sit here noshing that? 190 00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:25,590 I didn't have any dinner, did I? 191 00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:30,510 Oh. And what was all that Sainsbury's you give me about seeing a VAT man? 192 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:31,950 You were in a kit. 193 00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,390 Look, I've got my problems. 194 00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:37,570 You won't solve them by sleeping with a vacuum, will you? 195 00:12:38,829 --> 00:12:42,090 Oh, this appears off of a face video. I mean, it's James Bond time, isn't it? 196 00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:43,730 He could be MI5. 197 00:12:44,210 --> 00:12:47,130 He told me he was a bookie. Only because he told me he was a bookie. 198 00:12:47,550 --> 00:12:48,650 Here, look, do you mind? 199 00:12:49,450 --> 00:12:50,450 Yeah. 200 00:12:50,910 --> 00:12:51,910 Terry? 201 00:12:52,370 --> 00:12:53,370 Mum? 202 00:12:54,130 --> 00:12:59,170 Are they members? 203 00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:02,210 Gaming machines. 204 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:03,990 Place is going steadily downhill. 205 00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:06,830 Look, what are you... 206 00:13:07,459 --> 00:13:10,680 Look, it is not helping to solve my Otto's problem with you sitting here 207 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:11,679 stuffing your face. 208 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,620 My God, you don't take no prisoners, do you? 209 00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:18,800 Listen, what about after I dropped him back at the hotel? 210 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,620 He nipped out and ended up with a dodgy bird. 211 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:23,680 Bross? Why not? 212 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:25,680 He's an happily married man. 213 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,360 You're an happily married man. 214 00:13:28,620 --> 00:13:29,620 Are you home every night? 215 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,600 Look, it is now 11 .33. 216 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,020 He's got to be on CO's parade at 15 .40 sharp. 217 00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:39,420 Stand at Victoria Coat Station in a soldierly fashion. Chin in, chest out. 218 00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:41,220 Thumbs in line with the seams of his trousers. 219 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:42,920 Meet his old woman. 220 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,800 You're a fizzy garlic. 221 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:07,200 You weren't capable, dear. 222 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:12,720 You barely tried. The flesh was weak and the spirit wasn't very willing. 223 00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:19,340 How'd I get in here? 224 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:24,540 Not on a Snow White charger, a minicab. I had this arrangement with this friend 225 00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:25,660 of mine, Charles. 226 00:14:26,060 --> 00:14:27,400 Don't you remember Charles? 227 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,760 He's only got one end. 228 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,240 You don't get many taxi fellows and have one end. 229 00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:35,410 I thought his name might ring a bell. 230 00:14:44,970 --> 00:14:45,970 Fire. 231 00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:55,409 Don't worry. 232 00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:56,410 It's all intact. 233 00:14:57,110 --> 00:15:00,270 Apart from what you slip me of your own free will. 234 00:15:00,490 --> 00:15:02,770 Well, friends, you have to watch your step, though, when you wake up with a 235 00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:06,960 proceed. Like, not so much of a prozzie, if you don't mind. 236 00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:08,540 You are a prozzie. 237 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:11,820 What are you if you're not a prozzie? I'm a part -time model. 238 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,340 What are you modeling? Bloody plasticine. 239 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,740 I'm not a professional one, any roads up. 240 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:20,980 I'm in it for my plant money. 241 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,540 And I don't bother to do it when Erwin's away. 242 00:15:25,140 --> 00:15:26,920 Erwin? My husband. 243 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:32,420 Is on container lorries. 244 00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:35,580 Juggernauts. Isn't that Chris Christopherson? 245 00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:39,320 But I don't bother to ask him what he gets up to on a wet weekend in Bruch. 246 00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:41,820 Have you lost something? 247 00:15:42,580 --> 00:15:43,580 Me kicks. 248 00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:44,660 Your what? 249 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,080 Me strides, me bloody pants. 250 00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:51,940 They're where you throw them when you fell in here last night, waving them 251 00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:53,260 around your head, singing. 252 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,280 I'd like to get you on the floor. 253 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:01,820 Where'd I throw them? 254 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,400 Out the window. 255 00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:02,970 No, 256 00:17:08,869 --> 00:17:10,170 Arthur, I'm not going in there again. 257 00:17:10,510 --> 00:17:13,650 Look, we haven't taken our eyes off that place for the past half hour, right? 258 00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:16,710 Since I last went in. He wasn't there then, he ain't there now. 259 00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:20,310 Well, where is he, then? I don't know, do I? Well, he must be somewhere. 260 00:17:20,510 --> 00:17:22,089 True, Arthur, he must be somewhere. 261 00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:27,270 Probably propping a bar up, pouring endless pints of lager down his throat, 262 00:17:27,530 --> 00:17:30,550 giving someone a right ear -bashing about, ooh, bitter's better up north. 263 00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:34,730 Yeah, hopefully he bought the arse off someone big enough to chin him. 264 00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:38,070 Callous, Terry, you are callous. Nut and bolt we were in the army. 265 00:17:38,450 --> 00:17:39,450 Adjacent bed spaces. 266 00:17:40,390 --> 00:17:42,630 Many's the time he saved my life on active service. 267 00:17:43,450 --> 00:17:44,450 What'd he do? 268 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,260 Stop you knocking yourself sideways on that Chinese ramp, though, eh? 269 00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:51,400 Lent me his best bald boots for guard duty. 270 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,240 Even done jankers for me. 271 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:56,600 Gee, the comes down to London once, goes absent. 272 00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:59,060 Inch stuck with his missus. It's down to me, Terry. 273 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:00,460 I have let him down. 274 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,040 Go on, then. What do you want me to do? 275 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,560 Will the real Knight Porter please stand up? 276 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,700 I mean, there's two of them. One's bent, the other's a ringer. 277 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:14,200 They must... Both know something about him. 278 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,060 Sort one of them out for me. 279 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,940 Well, lean on him. No, no, no, no, no, no heavy stuff. Just him trying yourself 280 00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:22,380 a titch in his direction, you know. 281 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:27,480 Good boy. 282 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,860 Oh, when it gets sent, I don't care. 283 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:38,040 He took a leg like an anorexic little bit. 284 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,160 You got any wounds? 285 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,100 No, a woman's coming down. 286 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:49,070 Oh, big deal. Your missus. Oh, and since there's popping round here at three, 287 00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:52,570 I'm supposed to go and look at some teaching difference with her. 288 00:18:53,290 --> 00:18:57,730 Brenda's broad -minded as the next, but I mean, look at it from her side, hmm? A 289 00:18:57,730 --> 00:19:02,090 fellow sitting here in his red undies with your brother's wife watching racing 290 00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:03,090 on this alley. 291 00:19:03,110 --> 00:19:06,170 I'm telling you, dear, you're on your little bike before she comes. 292 00:19:06,630 --> 00:19:07,630 Like this? 293 00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:09,730 Think of something. 294 00:19:10,030 --> 00:19:11,030 Think of what? 295 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,500 I should have thought of that last night, when you flung him out of the 296 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:17,500 window. 297 00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,900 Did she bring a spare pair down with you? 298 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,560 Of course I did. I've got a lovely Czech sports jacket and a pair of slacks. 299 00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:27,340 But they're hanging up in my hotel wardrobe, aren't they? 300 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:34,940 All you do is you telephone your hotel, you ask to speak to the manager, and you 301 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:40,460 tell him to go to your room, and you tell him to put the spare pair in the 302 00:19:42,570 --> 00:19:43,570 Do you know what? 303 00:19:43,910 --> 00:19:45,530 Oh, bloody brainless. 304 00:19:47,750 --> 00:19:49,110 I don't know. 305 00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:51,890 Fellas, where would you be without us ladies? 306 00:19:52,730 --> 00:19:53,790 What's it called? 307 00:19:54,270 --> 00:19:56,210 What letter does it begin with? 308 00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:58,710 Oi, are you deaf as well as dumb? 309 00:19:59,170 --> 00:20:00,170 Your hotel. 310 00:20:00,610 --> 00:20:01,690 What's the name of it? 311 00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:03,110 I don't know. 312 00:20:03,310 --> 00:20:04,310 You what? 313 00:20:04,550 --> 00:20:05,550 I've forgotten. 314 00:20:06,230 --> 00:20:07,750 I don't remember what it's called. 315 00:20:08,030 --> 00:20:10,270 And not one line from me. Only days brought me in. 316 00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:11,750 Bloody hell. 317 00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:39,210 Oi, what's your game in? Oh, hello, chef. Never mind bleeding hello, chef. 318 00:20:39,510 --> 00:20:41,010 Don't you hello, chef, me. 319 00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:45,790 Flannery won't get you anywhere, sonny. Soft soap don't cut no ice with me. 320 00:20:46,030 --> 00:20:47,030 No, don't be like that. 321 00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:48,210 Don't be like that. 322 00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:52,090 I'll give you don't be like that. 323 00:20:52,870 --> 00:20:55,330 I'll be how I like, Boris. 324 00:20:55,850 --> 00:20:58,850 Because that's the way I am with everybody bleeding me. 325 00:20:59,090 --> 00:21:00,069 Come here. 326 00:21:00,070 --> 00:21:01,210 No, hold on. Come here. 327 00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:08,050 What do you call that? 328 00:21:09,690 --> 00:21:11,170 Chef's hat, isn't it? Is it? 329 00:21:11,950 --> 00:21:12,950 Isn't it? 330 00:21:12,990 --> 00:21:15,230 It might be a chef's hat to you, sonny. 331 00:21:17,070 --> 00:21:18,790 But it ain't a chef's hat to me. 332 00:21:20,690 --> 00:21:24,430 This is what I call a chef's hat. 333 00:21:25,490 --> 00:21:27,850 A chef's hat ain't floppy, Horace. 334 00:21:28,510 --> 00:21:29,830 It's a badge of office. 335 00:21:30,570 --> 00:21:34,170 It stands up straight, pissed proud. 336 00:21:35,430 --> 00:21:36,890 It's starched. 337 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:42,520 Well, yeah, I'll see what you mean. So you can take these back with you, every 338 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,500 one, and the rest of the bleeding stuff you walloped on me last week, and you 339 00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:47,500 can tell your chief. 340 00:21:47,820 --> 00:21:49,820 I won't stand for it. What chief? 341 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:51,059 Your chief. 342 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:53,180 The big -headed, four -eyed git in the office. 343 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,760 What office? 344 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,340 Don't flatter around, Doris. 345 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:59,440 Your office at Sunbeam Laundry. 346 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:02,220 I'm not from the Sunbeam Laundry. 347 00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,660 Not from the laundry? 348 00:22:03,940 --> 00:22:04,940 No. 349 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:06,720 Well, it's laundry morning. 350 00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:10,480 It's always this time, Saturdays. That may well be, but it's nothing to do with 351 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,340 me. No, I'm, er... I'm mate Trev's. 352 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,980 I won't have that gramophone of his going full blast. 353 00:22:17,340 --> 00:22:18,199 Tell him. 354 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,080 And I won't stand your mate's jungle drums giving me an ear -bashing. Not 355 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,080 morning. Now, tell him. 356 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:24,760 Yeah, all right, yeah. 357 00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,500 I think I forgot. Where's his room again? 358 00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:29,680 Through the door, up the stairs, turn left, past the box. 359 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:31,880 Ta. 360 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:34,160 Oh! 361 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:35,900 You're not wrong, are you? 362 00:22:36,770 --> 00:22:38,370 Wouldn't have a lot of fun on honeymoon with that. 363 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:50,640 I'm old, I'm old, I'm cold. Blimey, just keep calm, keep calm. I'm not a tea 364 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,860 leaf, I just want to chat, all right? Now keep calm. 365 00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:54,820 All right. 366 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:56,540 Fresh water fish. 367 00:23:58,220 --> 00:23:59,220 Four letters. 368 00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:01,940 Get in with tea. 369 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:04,660 Terrible, terrible. 370 00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:07,840 Trout. 371 00:24:09,140 --> 00:24:11,700 T -R -O -O. 372 00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:13,160 Oh, fucker it. 373 00:24:16,010 --> 00:24:17,010 Crompton Hotel. 374 00:24:17,410 --> 00:24:18,790 No. Crown. 375 00:24:19,590 --> 00:24:21,030 No. Cumberford. 376 00:24:21,970 --> 00:24:24,810 No. Cumberton Court Residential Hotel. 377 00:24:25,290 --> 00:24:27,130 No. Just a minute. 378 00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:30,910 I'm trying to get this picture in my mind's eye. 379 00:24:31,730 --> 00:24:33,270 I can see the road. 380 00:24:33,610 --> 00:24:37,310 I can see these steps, windows on either side. 381 00:24:37,950 --> 00:24:39,930 There's this name over the door. 382 00:24:40,210 --> 00:24:41,490 Go on, go on. It's gone. 383 00:24:43,590 --> 00:24:44,590 Tench. 384 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,200 T -E -N -C. 385 00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:50,060 Please don't do that. 386 00:24:50,460 --> 00:24:51,460 We're in stuck. 387 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,640 You haven't drawn a complete blank. 388 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:54,880 No, not entirely, no. 389 00:24:55,140 --> 00:25:00,020 I have solved the amazing case of the two mysterious night porters. The 390 00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:03,060 a real one, and he plays truant three nights a week to play in a jazz band. 391 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:06,220 The other one's a moonlighter. Front desk don't know anything about him. 392 00:25:06,540 --> 00:25:07,680 Well, what's he do in real life? 393 00:25:07,900 --> 00:25:08,900 He's a schoolteacher. 394 00:25:09,020 --> 00:25:10,640 Yeah. Balanced and comprehensive. 395 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:12,720 His parents had a sense of humour. 396 00:25:12,940 --> 00:25:14,520 His name's Ollie Colliver. 397 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:16,320 Where does he live? 398 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,480 Ah, well, that's where we've drawn a blank. We're in Lumber, there. 399 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,880 The colour guy I don't know. He's just got a phone number. Well, it's all 400 00:25:21,900 --> 00:25:22,839 We'll ring him up. 401 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,140 I've already done that, haven't I? There's no answer. Nobody in. 402 00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:27,100 Hit a brick wall. 403 00:25:27,340 --> 00:25:29,100 Oh, no, no, no, no. Not entirely. 404 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,440 We know he's a schoolteacher. We know which school, you said. 405 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:34,680 We know his name. 406 00:25:34,780 --> 00:25:35,780 We'll go round there. 407 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,800 No, hold on. It's Saturday, isn't it? Schools are closed Saturday. It's 408 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,100 pointless. We can't see, my son. We can't see. 409 00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:44,520 I brought the colour gauge for a couple of quid. 410 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:45,920 Not glad you could afford it. 411 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,400 Debenham Court? 412 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,580 No. Debenham Cracked Hotel? 413 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,300 No, I don't think it began with a D, any road. D doesn't ring a bell. 414 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:54,900 What do you think it began with? 415 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:57,600 I don't know. I wish I did. I'm down for it, mind. 416 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,020 Well, you can't bloody well have one. 417 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,280 Now, come on. Get your thinking cap on. 418 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:04,960 Deck of cards, motor in. 419 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,360 Deep Dale. 420 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,120 Delmere Private. 421 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,360 What's that? 422 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,060 Mrs. Barton for me. 423 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:14,960 Don't wear it. 424 00:26:15,380 --> 00:26:16,720 Only for the missus. 425 00:26:17,540 --> 00:26:21,240 Del Monte dining rooms with limited overnight accommodation? 426 00:26:21,940 --> 00:26:23,420 No. Dorchester? 427 00:26:23,780 --> 00:26:24,780 No. 428 00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:26,900 Chubb. 429 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:28,860 What is Chubb? 430 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:30,200 Five across. 431 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,080 Freshwater fish, four letters. 432 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:33,280 Chubb. 433 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:35,640 It's a kiddie's crossword. 434 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,280 What was the name of that jazz band again? 435 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,260 The one that Lemonade played in? 436 00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:42,380 The South Ealing Mississippi Stompers. 437 00:26:42,820 --> 00:26:45,100 New Orleans stuff, innit? Oh, don't ask me. 438 00:26:45,780 --> 00:26:47,380 I'm a Francis Albert man myself. 439 00:26:47,660 --> 00:26:48,660 Old blue eyes. 440 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,580 Did I ever tell you how much I bunged over the odds to be a Sinatra senior? 441 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,720 Often, often, yes. 442 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,000 Ah, it's only money. 443 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,720 My way alone was worth every penny. 444 00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:01,600 Do you know, Terry, tears roll down my cheeks every time I play that tape. 445 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,740 It can't be Chubb. 446 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,160 Chubb don't begin with T. 447 00:27:08,170 --> 00:27:09,590 Five across don't begin with T. 448 00:27:09,890 --> 00:27:11,010 You got five down wrong. 449 00:27:12,610 --> 00:27:13,429 Have I? 450 00:27:13,430 --> 00:27:16,190 Yeah. It's not tart, it's cake. 451 00:27:17,250 --> 00:27:20,530 I mean, she didn't say, if they ain't got enough bread, give them tart, did 452 00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:23,390 Who? 453 00:27:23,770 --> 00:27:25,790 He's a brainy bugger, is Arthur. 454 00:27:26,170 --> 00:27:27,590 He's got it all upstairs. 455 00:27:28,710 --> 00:27:31,570 The stunts he used to pull in the army, I'm not kidding. 456 00:27:31,910 --> 00:27:33,230 He's a crafty dog. 457 00:27:33,570 --> 00:27:35,630 Ring him. He booked you in. Has he got a car? 458 00:27:36,130 --> 00:27:37,130 Got a car? 459 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:38,500 He's Arthur Daly. 460 00:27:39,220 --> 00:27:42,340 Arthur Daly's Jack the Lull. Haven't you ever heard of him? 461 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:43,640 Never. 462 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,240 How ignorant can you get? 463 00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:52,220 I assure you I've got a can of light ale and a lager. I'm flaming gagging. We've 464 00:27:52,220 --> 00:27:54,740 got more on our plates this morning than topping you up. 465 00:27:55,020 --> 00:27:59,040 I hate this sort of evil, greasy, cheesy eye -time. 466 00:27:59,740 --> 00:28:02,340 Though it's garlic in it, I keep on getting the taste of it. 467 00:28:06,350 --> 00:28:07,370 heard of bloody Arthur Daly. 468 00:28:07,570 --> 00:28:11,670 Arthur bloody Daly. He's only one of the biggest car dealers this side of 469 00:28:11,670 --> 00:28:16,610 Watford. And you call yourself a Londoner? I don't call myself a 470 00:28:16,610 --> 00:28:17,870 come from Westcliff. 471 00:28:18,110 --> 00:28:21,370 You stand me to come from Westcliff on sea, lass, if you've never heard of 472 00:28:21,370 --> 00:28:22,309 Arthur Daly. 473 00:28:22,310 --> 00:28:23,310 Got a car? 474 00:28:23,770 --> 00:28:26,510 He's got more cars than British Leyland. 475 00:28:27,010 --> 00:28:31,850 Get him. So get off his arse and come round here in one of them. He can run 476 00:28:31,850 --> 00:28:34,870 back to your hotel and he can bring you round a pair of trousers. 477 00:28:35,710 --> 00:28:36,710 I don't know where he lives. 478 00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:10,960 Hold on, that's him. 479 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:12,080 Where? 480 00:29:12,660 --> 00:29:14,340 Referee. The ref, that's him. 481 00:29:17,420 --> 00:29:20,380 I'm going to go and have a word with him. I'm going to go and have a word 482 00:29:20,380 --> 00:29:21,440 him. Sorry, mate. 483 00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:22,980 How long they got? 484 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,040 The second half's just begun. 485 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,480 Oh, that's it. You're knackered for half an hour at least, aren't you? 486 00:29:26,980 --> 00:29:27,759 What's the score? 487 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:28,780 15 -8 to Barnstead. 488 00:29:30,380 --> 00:29:33,640 We've got to talk to him. He's not going to come off just to have a chat, is he? 489 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:35,720 Look, Yorkie's over the river bombing down the M1. 490 00:29:36,500 --> 00:29:37,780 Barnstead will win in 15 -8. 491 00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,700 Come on you! 492 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:08,060 Would you mind, sir, not infringing along the touchline and not interfering? 493 00:30:08,580 --> 00:30:10,100 Don't you talk to me like that. 494 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:11,600 I used to play for the old brand. 495 00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:15,440 Sorry, stop the game. 496 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:16,780 Leave it out, Arthur. 497 00:30:17,660 --> 00:30:19,960 Look, if I stop the game, will you gee up the ref? 498 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,440 How are you going to stop me? You'll create a diversion. 499 00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:26,620 What sort of diversion? 500 00:30:27,180 --> 00:30:28,180 Watch this. 501 00:31:17,900 --> 00:31:18,900 Oh, look at me suit. 502 00:31:19,540 --> 00:31:22,000 Don't worry about your suit. You can get that dry clean, can't you? 503 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,440 It's not so easy with your face. 504 00:31:23,740 --> 00:31:24,740 Is it bad? 505 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:28,600 Well, it's not bad, no. I mean, a few stitches here and there, you won't even 506 00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:29,359 see the joint. 507 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,040 Stitches? That's all right, I'm having you on. 508 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:32,240 Now, stop bleeding, now. 509 00:31:32,580 --> 00:31:33,660 Do you see me go, Terry? 510 00:31:34,180 --> 00:31:37,040 See me catch that ball, tuck it under my arm, head down and run. 511 00:31:37,820 --> 00:31:39,100 Oh, memory lane that was. 512 00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:40,940 Win three -quarter in the army. 513 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:42,599 Did it show? 514 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,640 Oh, yes. Magic, magic. Gareth Edwards. 515 00:31:45,060 --> 00:31:46,060 Jimmy Edwards. 516 00:31:46,770 --> 00:31:47,770 Don't laugh. 517 00:31:48,210 --> 00:31:51,390 I did my whack out there, don't worry. I was out there where the bullets was 518 00:31:51,390 --> 00:31:52,770 flying. That's a made -a -welcome change. 519 00:31:53,170 --> 00:31:54,830 Yeah, there's a brush in the glove compartment. 520 00:31:55,510 --> 00:31:56,510 Oh, dear. 521 00:31:57,910 --> 00:31:59,210 Still another link in the chain. 522 00:31:59,990 --> 00:32:01,110 Another step nearer. 523 00:32:02,270 --> 00:32:03,390 What did you say they were called? 524 00:32:03,930 --> 00:32:05,730 Who? Minicab firm. Oh. 525 00:32:06,610 --> 00:32:07,630 Uh, Diva Cars. 526 00:32:08,490 --> 00:32:11,250 Yeah, apparently last night, after I dropped the Rover and Rover back at the 527 00:32:11,250 --> 00:32:14,710 hotel, it banged a night porter a few quid over the top for a dozen beers. 528 00:32:15,230 --> 00:32:17,650 He's two down and ten to go, and he's good as new, isn't he? 529 00:32:17,910 --> 00:32:19,750 Ranting and raving about getting back on the town again. 530 00:32:21,290 --> 00:32:25,190 I know you've got no time for Yorkie, Terry, but you must admit, you have to 531 00:32:25,190 --> 00:32:26,190 look up to the bloke. 532 00:32:26,730 --> 00:32:28,890 The night port we got in the minicab just to get shot of him. 533 00:32:29,690 --> 00:32:30,690 There you go, that'll do. 534 00:32:33,210 --> 00:32:35,250 Kids, I could have them, you know, if I was the vengeful type. 535 00:32:35,790 --> 00:32:38,890 Eye for an eye, cheek for a cheek. No, I could have them up the juvenile. 536 00:32:39,730 --> 00:32:41,050 Of course, you know what it is, don't you? 537 00:32:41,630 --> 00:32:42,850 Yeah, it's symptomatic, isn't it? 538 00:32:43,770 --> 00:32:45,720 Yeah. Well, don't stand here rabbiting. 539 00:32:46,060 --> 00:32:47,920 Yorkley Snapdragon's cane in the motorway. 540 00:32:48,340 --> 00:32:49,340 Let's get going. 541 00:32:59,740 --> 00:33:02,880 Even though we know the name of the minicab firm, we've still got to find 542 00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:03,880 actual driver. 543 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:07,420 How many one -arm minicab drivers are there in Greater London? 544 00:33:08,140 --> 00:33:08,999 You what? 545 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,200 Yeah. This geezer's only got one arm. 546 00:33:11,460 --> 00:33:12,460 Oh, it's true. 547 00:33:13,020 --> 00:33:16,020 How long was that fella looking for a one -armed geezer on the telly? 548 00:33:16,740 --> 00:33:17,740 What fella? 549 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,140 You know, went on for years and years. 550 00:33:20,900 --> 00:33:21,960 What was his name? 551 00:33:22,340 --> 00:33:24,340 Even at the death, he still didn't find him. 552 00:33:24,540 --> 00:33:25,820 What chance have we got? 553 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:30,520 Rotherham, 91824. 554 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:32,160 Hello, boss? 555 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,360 Yeah? Reg, have a look on me desk. 556 00:33:36,580 --> 00:33:37,580 Any bits of paper? 557 00:33:37,860 --> 00:33:41,540 Anything scribbled on me memo pad? Yes, boss, yes. I'll have a look for you, 558 00:33:41,580 --> 00:33:44,030 boss. Hey, guess who I've got on the blower, Darren? 559 00:33:44,370 --> 00:33:46,890 Droopy Draws. And guess what he wants to know? What? 560 00:33:47,150 --> 00:33:49,010 Well, he's in London, isn't he, and we're up here. 561 00:33:49,250 --> 00:33:53,750 He's only ringing us to find out where he is. The silly, stupid bugger. Are you 562 00:33:53,750 --> 00:33:56,530 going to tell him the bad news now, or save it for later on? 563 00:33:57,450 --> 00:34:00,030 It's a dead duck, this, before we even run it up the ruddy flagpole. 564 00:34:00,810 --> 00:34:01,810 Hello, what red? 565 00:34:02,470 --> 00:34:04,970 Look, never heed why I'm asking, just do it. 566 00:34:05,350 --> 00:34:09,210 I've a good scout round on me desk in the top drawer, just in case I jotted it 567 00:34:09,210 --> 00:34:10,210 down. 568 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:11,659 I am hanging on. 569 00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:13,719 Don't go away, he says. 570 00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:15,540 The Hamlet am I going to go to. 571 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,620 I didn't shut it down. I'm wasting my time asking. 572 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:21,440 Reg. 573 00:34:21,820 --> 00:34:25,380 Reg, why are you faffing about? How did the first results go for us at all three 574 00:34:25,380 --> 00:34:26,380 meetings? 575 00:34:30,020 --> 00:34:31,060 He had what? 576 00:34:31,639 --> 00:34:34,340 Listen, Reg, you know as well as I do it should have been laid off when he got 577 00:34:34,340 --> 00:34:36,199 the second one in. Darren, Darren. 578 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:40,679 I've told him. What did he say? 579 00:34:42,179 --> 00:34:48,400 What was all that about? 580 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,219 There was a one o 'clock at Kempton Park. There was a one o 'clock at Aedop. 581 00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:56,480 There was a 1 .15 at Newcastle. One second fave and two outsiders. 582 00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:00,480 There's a punch on it, a five -pound treble up first three results and I'm 583 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:01,480 quid down. That's funny. 584 00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:03,120 It's not my day. 585 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,200 It wasn't my night either. 586 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:07,180 God only knows wherever. 587 00:35:08,710 --> 00:35:11,370 Open their front door and let Charles help you in. 588 00:35:11,570 --> 00:35:12,549 That's him? 589 00:35:12,550 --> 00:35:15,750 Charles? He must know where he picked me up. Ring him. 590 00:35:16,190 --> 00:35:19,970 If I knew his number, I'd have phoned him ages ago. 591 00:35:20,310 --> 00:35:24,030 Not at his home. The name of the firm he grabs for, ring them. He'll have a 592 00:35:24,030 --> 00:35:25,630 radio card that can radio him. 593 00:35:25,950 --> 00:35:30,550 I don't know the firm he works for. I met him in a pub. 594 00:35:31,150 --> 00:35:35,810 Would you be sitting there now like a limp plant if I did? 595 00:35:36,430 --> 00:35:37,590 I was only limp last night. 596 00:35:46,769 --> 00:35:47,709 Watch it. 597 00:35:47,710 --> 00:35:51,150 Not so much of the old. 598 00:35:54,530 --> 00:35:55,530 I've got a result. 599 00:35:56,370 --> 00:35:58,150 James is cursed, not in ill. I've got the direction. 600 00:36:00,390 --> 00:36:03,210 Arthur, Terry, do I look old? 601 00:36:03,670 --> 00:36:04,670 No, no, no, no, no, no. 602 00:36:04,910 --> 00:36:05,910 Truthfully. 603 00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:08,930 Look, the wedding kicks off at quarter to three. 604 00:36:09,130 --> 00:36:11,310 Then he's driving the happy couple straight down to Gatwick. 605 00:36:14,730 --> 00:36:15,649 Come on. 606 00:36:15,650 --> 00:36:16,650 Get in. 607 00:36:24,910 --> 00:36:27,690 It won't be easy being a one -armed minicab driver, can it? 608 00:36:28,150 --> 00:36:29,150 Probably got an automatic. 609 00:36:29,670 --> 00:36:30,770 Which hand do you get for tipping? 610 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:38,440 Would you mind quieting your radio? 611 00:36:40,540 --> 00:36:42,980 I say, would you mind quieting your radio? 612 00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:03,840 No, you'd all have to come to the right. Just one step to the right, please. 613 00:37:04,750 --> 00:37:07,370 That's right. A little bit more on the left. Just a little bit more in. That's 614 00:37:07,370 --> 00:37:08,370 right. 615 00:37:11,010 --> 00:37:12,010 Nice day for a wedding. 616 00:37:13,150 --> 00:37:13,510 I 617 00:37:13,510 --> 00:37:28,750 said 618 00:37:28,750 --> 00:37:29,669 we'd be too late. 619 00:37:29,670 --> 00:37:30,970 Who said we're too late? 620 00:37:33,549 --> 00:37:34,549 Hold on, hold on. 621 00:37:36,410 --> 00:37:37,410 What are you doing? 622 00:37:40,750 --> 00:37:41,629 Slow me! 623 00:37:41,630 --> 00:37:42,630 Slow me, Arthur. 624 00:37:43,410 --> 00:37:45,230 Not bad, eh? Go on, chat him up. 625 00:37:45,750 --> 00:37:46,750 Eh? 626 00:37:46,890 --> 00:37:49,290 Minicab geezer, chat him up. Find out what he's done with Yorkie. 627 00:37:50,250 --> 00:37:53,930 Now, listen, you were the one who nearly changed the wedding into a funeral. I'm 628 00:37:53,930 --> 00:37:57,210 not going to cop all the aggro. Look, I'm driving the stagecoach, Terry. 629 00:37:57,210 --> 00:37:58,169 riding shotgun. 630 00:37:58,170 --> 00:38:00,210 You shoot the Indians if you want your pay dirt. 631 00:38:02,710 --> 00:38:03,710 Poor soul. 632 00:38:08,490 --> 00:38:10,930 What the hell's your game? I'm sorry about that, mate. 633 00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:13,070 We're in the middle of a wedding here. 634 00:38:13,950 --> 00:38:15,110 You're head case, you are. 635 00:38:15,370 --> 00:38:16,610 You're looking for trouble, son. 636 00:38:16,930 --> 00:38:19,810 You nearly killed my missus back there. Get those glasses off. 637 00:38:20,050 --> 00:38:21,490 Go on, Ricky, drop him. What? 638 00:38:21,830 --> 00:38:25,630 People like you should be off the road. Oh, yeah. Hold that. I does karate, you 639 00:38:25,630 --> 00:38:27,890 know. All I does king fool. Hold on, hold on. What's the carry? 640 00:38:28,450 --> 00:38:29,450 Oh, 641 00:38:29,530 --> 00:38:30,790 stand back, Tarzan. 642 00:38:31,260 --> 00:38:35,160 Listen, is it all right if he apologises? If he apologises? You 643 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,020 What good's apologising going to do? 644 00:38:37,340 --> 00:38:39,260 Damage has been done now. It's our wedding day. On your wedding day and all 645 00:38:39,260 --> 00:38:42,620 that, he's a nutter. Honestly, when his bottle goes, anything could happen. I 646 00:38:42,620 --> 00:38:43,920 mean, if I drove the motor, right? 647 00:38:44,240 --> 00:38:46,580 Now, just screw the nut. I'll try and calm him down, OK? 648 00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,200 All right, well, look, if he apologises, then. That's right. 649 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:53,720 Apologise? I'm not apologising. I'll kick him in the nut, John Markle. You're 650 00:38:53,720 --> 00:38:55,220 going to spend the rest of your life backing away? 651 00:38:55,460 --> 00:38:57,340 Yeah. No, that's not the point. Just put this on, will you? 652 00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,780 Got a lot of bleeding spur supporter in those braces. Don't you start. Get in 653 00:39:00,780 --> 00:39:01,780 the motor. 654 00:39:02,820 --> 00:39:04,560 Is everything all right? Has anyone heard? 655 00:39:04,860 --> 00:39:06,260 No, no, has anyone heard? 656 00:39:07,860 --> 00:39:09,220 You think Trina's? 657 00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,320 Irwin's cousin Gavin's Trina? 658 00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:14,080 No. You should. 659 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:15,980 She's gone American colonial. 660 00:39:16,540 --> 00:39:17,540 Oh. Hmm. 661 00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:19,900 American colonial right through. 662 00:39:20,180 --> 00:39:21,800 All her kitchen fitments. 663 00:39:22,940 --> 00:39:24,180 You know what he'd like. 664 00:39:24,810 --> 00:39:27,930 She was all stripped pine and horse brasses one time. 665 00:39:29,190 --> 00:39:30,830 And she's gone aga. Hmm. 666 00:39:31,890 --> 00:39:34,790 She was wondering what you were doing with yourself, what with Irwin on the 667 00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:38,730 container lorries, and now that your Sarah Jane's spread her wings. 668 00:39:40,330 --> 00:39:42,990 It's a phase they go through, isn't it, living with Nigerians? 669 00:39:45,030 --> 00:39:47,030 I said to Clive she won't marry him. 670 00:39:48,330 --> 00:39:50,990 Still, the thing was wondering what you were getting up to. 671 00:39:51,630 --> 00:39:52,910 Wait for us to know if you can. 672 00:39:53,150 --> 00:39:54,330 You're Gavin's twin. 673 00:39:54,990 --> 00:39:56,890 Oh, excuse me, Brenda. 674 00:40:01,610 --> 00:40:02,610 Hello? Yes? 675 00:40:03,650 --> 00:40:05,450 Oh, Mr Daly, what a relief. 676 00:40:05,990 --> 00:40:08,050 Yes, yes, I do know who you are. 677 00:40:21,740 --> 00:40:23,680 They seek him here, they seek him there. 678 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:25,380 We found the bugger. 679 00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:33,300 Tell you what, bring a lead deer. 680 00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:35,620 Here, be a doddle. 681 00:40:35,940 --> 00:40:39,380 Whip through here, pick him up, then go and meet his missus. Yeah, but we're 682 00:40:39,380 --> 00:40:42,960 never going to do it in 15 minutes, are we? No. Saturday afternoon, traffic's 683 00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:43,960 light, the lights are witness. 684 00:40:44,100 --> 00:40:46,040 Yeah. There is just one little snag. 685 00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:47,440 What? 686 00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:48,720 He's got no trousers. 687 00:40:50,819 --> 00:40:53,720 Yeah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. No trousers. 688 00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,200 Her sister -in -law came round. She had to hide him, didn't she? 689 00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:58,520 She would, wouldn't she? 690 00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:00,360 In the garden. 691 00:41:01,700 --> 00:41:02,760 Without his trousers? 692 00:41:03,020 --> 00:41:03,939 Yeah. 693 00:41:03,940 --> 00:41:07,580 What are you looking at? 694 00:41:08,620 --> 00:41:09,620 Nothing, nothing. 695 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:20,440 What is it? 696 00:41:20,940 --> 00:41:22,700 Well, it ain't Peter Bleeding Pan, is it? 697 00:41:24,780 --> 00:41:25,780 Here, stick that on. 698 00:42:13,130 --> 00:42:15,130 He's your upmost, so give him your trousers. 699 00:42:15,410 --> 00:42:17,130 How can I? I am driving. 700 00:42:18,150 --> 00:42:19,150 Well, I'll drive. 701 00:42:19,210 --> 00:42:20,210 Pull over. 702 00:42:41,380 --> 00:42:44,160 You're a good lad, our kid. You're a bobby dazzler. 703 00:42:44,540 --> 00:42:46,400 Oppos. Yeah, oppos is one thing. 704 00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:48,700 Trousers is something bloody else. 705 00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:50,500 Here you are. 706 00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:54,200 You can use this to cover yourself up with. 707 00:42:54,940 --> 00:42:56,360 Touch that mirror my way, chuffer. 708 00:42:57,340 --> 00:42:58,620 There, there you go. Good lad. 709 00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:00,660 Right. It's for the missy. 710 00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:02,400 Oh. 711 00:43:26,970 --> 00:43:30,850 Get out and say welcome to London, then. 712 00:43:33,610 --> 00:43:36,290 Hello, lovely. How goes it, eh? Good trip down? 713 00:43:37,830 --> 00:43:39,830 Do yourself up. Do what, see? 714 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:43,280 Your trousers, you dozy lummoch. You're showing everything you've got. Yes, 715 00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:46,520 you're right. No, but you're in the stable door when the horse is bolted. 716 00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,520 they're not mine. I can see they're not yours. 717 00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:50,140 I should have to think where you got them from. 718 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:51,820 And where have you been until this time? 719 00:43:52,300 --> 00:43:53,880 What have you been doing all the time, eh? 720 00:44:00,620 --> 00:44:01,620 I've got no sticky. 721 00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:09,400 I won't deign to ask what you got up to last night. 722 00:44:09,660 --> 00:44:10,660 Not a lot quiet night. 723 00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,520 A bite to eat with Arthur Loppy. 724 00:44:12,900 --> 00:44:15,260 High -tie nosh and a glass of table wine. It was very nice. 725 00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,560 Well, it won't be high -tie nosh and table wine tonight. 726 00:44:20,660 --> 00:44:21,800 What have you got in mind? 727 00:44:22,420 --> 00:44:23,420 Nothing spectacular. 728 00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,660 I was hoping Arthur might come up with something. 729 00:44:54,040 --> 00:44:55,040 Hello, my son. 730 00:44:56,020 --> 00:44:57,120 She's worse than he is. 731 00:44:57,780 --> 00:44:58,780 Where is he? 732 00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:00,240 Pointing close. 733 00:45:00,380 --> 00:45:01,380 Hey, 734 00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:03,880 Terry, do us a favour. G him up a bit, will you? 735 00:45:04,730 --> 00:45:06,110 You don't think I'm staying here, do you? 736 00:45:06,850 --> 00:45:07,850 What's your bonus? 737 00:45:08,130 --> 00:45:09,710 Well, I haven't got the motor, have I? 738 00:45:09,930 --> 00:45:11,250 You might have to run us back. 739 00:45:12,670 --> 00:45:13,670 Leave it out. 740 00:45:13,930 --> 00:45:15,610 It's Saturday night. I'm on a promise. 741 00:45:15,990 --> 00:45:17,790 Even I'm entitled to some pleasure. 742 00:45:18,730 --> 00:45:19,730 It's work. 743 00:45:19,910 --> 00:45:22,450 I'm knocking out the vintage Bentley, the Yorkie. 744 00:45:22,850 --> 00:45:23,850 You'll never. 745 00:45:24,170 --> 00:45:26,950 Yeah. Surprise present for his missus. 746 00:45:27,410 --> 00:45:28,410 Wedding anniversary. 747 00:45:29,850 --> 00:45:32,770 Half an hour in that old banger, she'll have him in a divorce court. 748 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,540 I thought he was your best mate, your oppo. 749 00:45:37,060 --> 00:45:38,340 You let him in your trousers. 750 00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:40,420 Oh, trousers is one thing, Terry. 751 00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:42,280 Business is something else. 752 00:45:52,140 --> 00:45:54,480 You're gay. 753 00:45:55,980 --> 00:45:57,540 You're gay. 754 00:45:58,180 --> 00:45:59,180 You're gay. 755 00:45:59,260 --> 00:46:02,300 You get him in, Terry. Go on. Aye? Yeah, go on. Go on. 756 00:46:02,590 --> 00:46:05,990 Fonker slimline, gin and orange for the Duchess, and fine and the best for his 757 00:46:05,990 --> 00:46:06,990 lips. Go on, go on. 758 00:46:08,950 --> 00:46:12,530 Our kid, make mine a big, Scott. It's piss poor down here. 759 00:46:13,350 --> 00:46:14,610 Hey, get on in for yourself. 760 00:46:15,910 --> 00:46:18,390 Hey, Terry, stay on arms, eh? 761 00:46:19,690 --> 00:46:21,810 Don't want any breathalysers. 762 00:46:22,490 --> 00:46:25,170 Pass me your seatbelt, kiddo. We're in for a bumpy ride. 763 00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,350 She's all right, the missus, isn't she? 764 00:46:29,730 --> 00:46:30,910 Magic, Yorkie, magic. 765 00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:00,720 When you got a minute? 766 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:02,400 Jim and Orange. 767 00:47:37,490 --> 00:47:41,570 Right people, right time, just the wrong location. 768 00:47:45,450 --> 00:47:47,770 I've got a good idea. 769 00:47:49,530 --> 00:47:55,930 Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you. 770 00:47:56,170 --> 00:47:59,990 I'm going to help you. Love you like you want me to.